Consent vs Compliance – What They Don’t Teach You About Trauma Sex

 Consent vs Compliance – What They Don’t Teach You About Trauma Sex

Survivor Anita Skalar explains how trauma responses like freezing and fawning are often mistaken for consent. This post explores trauma sex, coercion, and the difference between compliance and real choice.

Tagline: I didn’t say “no” because I was afraid. That doesn’t mean I said “yes.”

Content Warning: Sexual trauma, fawning, survival sex, PTSD, emotional abuse

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When people ask why I stayed, I can answer that.
When they ask why I didn’t leave, I can explain.

But when they ask,

“Why didn’t you say no during sex if you didn’t want it?”
...that’s when the silence hits me hardest.

Because the truth is:
I didn’t say no.
I didn’t fight.
I didn’t scream.

But I didn’t say yes either.

What I did was comply.

And compliance is not consent.

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The Freeze and the Smile

Most people only understand two responses to assault: fight or scream.
They don’t know about the others. The quiet ones.

• Freeze: when your brain shuts down and you go still, silent, obedient

• Fawn: when you laugh, flirt, or perform to keep yourself safe

• Submit: when you let it happen because resistance feels dangerous

That was my sex life with him.

I performed.
I smiled.
I moaned.
I let him call me names.
I let him record it.
I even said things like “I love it” or “I want more.”

Because I thought if I made it look good, he wouldn’t punish me emotionally after.
Because sometimes, that fake moan was safer than an honest “stop.”

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Examples of Compliance That Were NOT Consent

📸 When he brought the camera out and I stayed silent.
He took silence as agreement. But I was frozen, dissociating, afraid of saying no.

🛏️ When I performed sexually after crying in the bathroom.
I didn’t feel safe turning him down, especially after he’d accused me of “rejecting” him before.

🗣️ When I said the lines he taught me—“Good girl,” “Fuck pig,” “You own me.”
He didn’t ask if I wanted to say those things. He trained me to believe saying them made him love me more.

🎭 When I initiated sex to avoid a cold-shoulder withdrawal.
That wasn’t desire. That was self-preservation.

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What They Don’t Teach You

They don’t teach you that sex after trauma can look like agreement when it’s actually avoidance.

They don’t teach you that when your brain gets flooded with fear, your body does whatever it takes to keep the peace.

They don’t teach you that people pleasing during sex—especially after abuse—is often a survival mechanism, not a turn-on.

And they definitely don’t teach you that predators love this.
Because then they get the footage.
They get the “enthusiastic” performance.
They get the legal protection of your smile.

But what they really filmed was a hostage in lingerie.

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If This Is You, Too…

If you’ve ever:

• Smiled to avoid a fight

• Performed so they wouldn’t leave

• Laughed when you wanted to cry

• Said “yes” because “no” felt unsafe

Then hear me:

That wasn’t consent.
That was compliance.
And it’s not your fault that no one taught you the difference.

You were surviving.
And you’re allowed to call it what it was: a violation.

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🔍 Tactics Breakdown – What He Did and How

🔸 Rewarded Performance, Punished Refusal

He created a dynamic where my compliance was praised—but any hesitation triggered distance, mockery, or blame. That’s coercion.

🔸 Exploited Fawning as Consent

He used my trauma response (submission, people-pleasing) as “proof” I wanted it. But I wasn’t choosing—it was a freeze/fawn survival loop.

🔸 Blurred the Line Between Kink and Control

He introduced degrading phrases and trained me to repeat them, erasing the boundary between play and programming.

🔸 Filmed the Performance, Not the Pain

He turned recordings into evidence of enjoyment. But they only captured the role I was forced to play—not the trauma that happened before or after.

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🫂 If You’re Still Confused About What Was Done to You…

You are not broken.
You are not “into it” just because you went along with it.
You are not responsible for their interpretation of your silence.

You are allowed to look back and say:
“That wasn’t love. That was trauma.”

“That wasn’t consent. That was fear.”

“That wasn’t me. That was survival.”

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