Post 30 – The Selective Defense & Emotional Hierarchy
Every time I voiced a concern about Jeff’s family—no matter how gently or respectfully—it was the same. He’d flare up, jump to their defense, accuse me of “hating them,” or tell me I was “trying to cause division.”
But when his family said something cruel about me or treated me unfairly? Silence. Or worse, agreement.
I realized I was in a dynamic where my pain was negotiable, but his ego wasn’t. Where his mother and sisters held more emotional weight than I did—no matter how much I showed up, sacrificed, or held the family together.
When Protection Has a Price Tag
Jeff didn’t protect me because protecting me meant confronting the people he needed to enable him. And when it came to defending our kids from toxic behavior or even his own outbursts? It was always deflection or denial. “They’re fine.” “You’re too sensitive.”
I saw who he protected. And it wasn’t us.
Tactics Breakdown – Emotional Imbalance & Strategic Defense
- Selective Defense: Jumped to defend family instantly, but rarely stood up for partner or children
- Emotional Hierarchy: Placed his family’s comfort above partner’s safety or well-being
- Deflection & Accusation: Accused partner of “hatred” when legitimate concerns were raised
- Minimization of Harm: Justified or ignored mistreatment from his family to preserve his comfort zone
- Silencing Through Guilt: Made the partner feel “difficult” or “divisive” for naming abuse or dysfunction
If They Always Pick Power, Pick Peace
You are not “the problem” for noticing mistreatment.
You are not “too much” for asking to be defended the way you defend others.
And if someone always protects the people who hurt you—but never protects you—they are part of the harm.
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