Post 32 – “Jeff Will Be Jeff”: The Excuse That Enabled Abuse
I would come to Jeff, hurt by something he had done or said, hoping for clarity or support. Instead of listening or acknowledging the harm, he would walk out. No resolution. No conversation. He’d go to his mother’s house or his sisters'. Sometimes they’d already be expecting him.
The next day, his family would act cold toward me. His mother would repeat things he had said to them that I hadn’t even had a chance to say to him. Their entire understanding of our relationship came from Jeff’s version of events.
When I tried to speak up or push back, I was told, “Jeff will be Jeff.”
How “Jeff Will Be Jeff” Became the Weapon
It wasn’t just a saying. It was a shield. A deflection. A message that I needed to lower my expectations and accept being mistreated because he “just is how he is.”
That phrase silenced me over and over. It minimized my pain. It enabled his tantrums. And worst of all, it made his dysfunction my responsibility to endure without complaint.
It trained me to abandon myself before he did.
Tactics Breakdown – Normalization & Deflection
- Minimizing Abuse: Using casual phrases to downplay serious emotional and psychological harm
- Family Reinforcement: Repeating Jeff’s narrative without question, shutting down any alternate truth
- Silencing Through Dismissal: Teaching the survivor that their experience is not valid or urgent
- Emotional Reframing: Making it seem like the problem is the survivor’s “sensitivity,” not the abuser’s behavior
- Chronic Justification: Encouraging long-term endurance of dysfunction rather than accountability or change
“That’s Just How He Is” Is Not an Excuse
If a behavior is harmful, it does not become less harmful just because it's predictable. Excusing abuse as someone’s personality trait is not support — it’s complicity.
You are not difficult for wanting peace. You are not broken for needing stability. And you are not overreacting because you refuse to normalize pain.
“He will be Jeff.” But I will not be silent.
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