Post 35 – "You Ruined My Life By Having Kids" – The Weaponization of Parenthood
One of the most damaging lies I ever believed was that I ruined Jeff’s life by becoming a mother. He didn’t say it directly at first. It came in looks, sighs, and unfinished sentences. It came in the way he talked about his "lost freedom," the way he slammed doors after a diaper change, the way he withdrew every time our kids needed more of me.
Eventually, the words came: "You ruined my life by having kids."
And even though I knew — logically — that we had made those children together, that they were born out of a relationship and not a trick... something in me broke. I internalized it. I carried the guilt like a scarlet letter.
I thought maybe if I just made life easier, maybe he’d stop resenting me. So I stopped asking for help. I took on everything. And when I couldn't keep up? He blamed me for being overwhelmed. For being “weak.”
It wasn’t until years later that I saw the pattern. Jeff didn’t hate fatherhood — he hated responsibility. He resented anything that demanded maturity, attention, or love that wasn’t about him.
When Parenthood is Used as a Weapon
Instead of sharing the burden, he used the existence of our children as ammunition. He implied I “trapped” him. That I “took away” his youth. That I owed him for every hard moment he ever faced — as if parenting wasn’t both of our job.
But the truth is, I didn’t ruin his life. I just grew into mine. And he couldn’t control that.
Tactics Breakdown – Psychological Guilt Implantation
- Projection: Blaming me for life responsibilities he willingly participated in
- Resentment Conditioning: Repeatedly suggesting my motherhood was a burden to punish me for loving the kids
- Emotional Withdrawal: Using silence, detachment, and anger to reinforce the idea that I “cost” him something
- Manipulation of Purpose: Making me feel like I had to choose between being a mother and being loved
- False Narrative Insertion: Convincing me that I was the source of his misery instead of his unwillingness to grow
You Didn’t Ruin Anything
If you ever loved your kids and were made to feel guilty for it, that’s not your failure — it’s their projection.
Real partners grow with you. Abusers punish your growth. If they hated fatherhood, they should’ve never asked to be in the picture. You didn’t ruin their life. You just stopped centering them in yours.
📞 National Domestic Violence Hotline
Call: 800-799-SAFE (7233)
Chat: www.thehotline.org
24/7 | Confidential | Free
No comments:
Post a Comment